Your Average Unsmart Vampire
by Flypaper-Writer
Summary: Emmett has a stuffed pony named Judie. She seems to be able to talk...well only to him. Can the Cullens stop this doll from corrupting him, or corrupting him more than he already is? Crack!Fic
1. My Milkshakes!

Disclaimer: No characters belong to me…sadly they belong to Stephanie Meyer Chapter 1: Judie Why Must You Corrupt Him?!!

I stared at her, my eyes unblinking. I was going to win; she was so close to blinking. Hehe pretty pony didn't even know what hit it. She shouldn't have even challenged me to a staring contest.

"Emmett what are you doing?" Edward asked standing under the frame of my bedroom door.

"Staring contest, shoosh," I quieted.

"Emmett have you realized your staring at a freaking stuffed animal?" Edward's voice rose.

"Excuse me," I turned to face him. "Judie is not a stuffed animal. She is a pretty pony who challenged me to a staring contest that I will get back to now…wait NOOO!!! I lost!" I crumpled to the ground defeated. I had looked away to face Edward my ultimate mistake.

"I…I have no comment," Edward walked away.

"That's right go back to your black and white television, you, you unsexually active person," I yelled after him.

"The TV is in color you retard!" he yelled back. I ignored his comment turning back to Judie. "You win once again…what was that...you want me to do what, no, never." Sigh. "Fine."

I got off the floor and ran into the kitchen. Where would I find oranges? The fridge! I quickly opened it and found four oranges. In order to enact this I needed a bra, ooh Rosalie's room. I zoomed over to her door and knocked politely on it.

"Yes Emmett," she asked a frown on her face. She's really beautiful, I'm so lucky to have married her.

"I need to use a bra," I grinned. She slammed the door in my face. "Rose, Rosy, Rosy-pooh." I pounded on the door. "Babe!" Huff. Who do I know owns a bra? Alice!

"No Emmett!" I heard her yell from the living room.

"You don't even know what-oh yeah, you see the future." I frowned. No Rose, no Alice, Edward!" I ran to his room, bursting the door open. He was lying on his bed reading a book.

"What do you need Emmett?" he sighed.

"Remember that time you came home and ran to your room and I followed you and found you in a corner sniffing Bella's bra?"

"T-That was for safety purposes only," he exclaimed jumping off his bed.

"…anyway do you still have her bra?" I asked hopefully. His brows furrowed.

"What do you need it for?" he asked his eyes narrowing.

"So you do have it! I need to use it for something. You'll see soon enough." I yelled grabbing the bra he took out of his drawer. Snickering, I ran to Alice's room. She had to have this song. I knew because I heard her doing the dance for Jasper nights ago.

Rummaging through her CD collection for a few seconds I finally found it. I grinned and ran to my room.

"Judie the things you make me do," I shook my head taking off my shirt. I hoped Bella's bra fit my muscular frame. I strapped it on, and filled the cups with oranges. I put my shirt back on, stuck the CD into a CD player, grabbed Judie and ran into the living room.

"Emmett what are you-

"Family meeting," I yelled interrupting Alice. Everyone was downstairs in seconds.

"Emmett dear what are you wearing," Esme asked concerned.

"Silence woman! Now I have come to show you how much awesomer I am then you all starting with my boobs…that happen to be bigger than yours Alice…I'm sorry."

I pressed the play button, groped my oranges and began singing and dancing.

_"My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard and there like it's better than yours I can teach you but I have to charge! My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard and there like it's better than yours I can teach you but I have to charge!"_

I shook my oranges in Edwards face then Jaspers. "Dance with me!" I grabbed Roses hand shaking my butt, singing along with song, shaking my orange boobs at the right time.

"A-Alice what are you doing," Edward asked her. I turned to her, smiling wide.

"Ooooh! Even better your taping it!" her smile widened when I mentioned it.

"Shake your boobs Emmett," Alice laughed shifting the camera.

"Sure thing!" I shook and shook dancing my butt off until Edward finally tackled me to the ground yelling for me to stop because his eyes were melting. Silly goose, vampire eyes don't melt.

**A/N: Emmett and Judie have some serious issues**


	2. MikeyPooh

Disclaimer: No characters belong to me…sadly they belong to Stephanie Meyer Chapter 2: Mikey-Pooh

"You know this is actually your fault Edward," I pouted. I had gotten "grounded" for the milkshake dance I did. So here I sat quietly on my bed waiting for my two hour punishment to end.

"How is this my fault?" he said from downstairs.

"If you hadn't made me lose the staring contest with Judie she would have never suggested something like that for me to do as the loser of the contest. I in fact would have made her do that." That thought made me laugh, Judie doing the milkshake dance.

"Again she is a freaking stuffed animal," he sighed clearly aggravated.

I don't know what his deal is. I'm the one who should be annoyed. For one I'm grounded and second Judie's sitting in front of my television playing my Playstation 3 and losing. The controller sat in front of her untouched as the aliens destroyed Earth. I can't watch this. Then I had a bright idea. She obviously sucked at this game; hehe now is my chance to get her back.

"You know Judie how about we a make a bet? If I win at the game your playing, you have to do whatever I say, but if you win I do whatever you say, deal?...great!"

I ran over to the game, plugged in a second controller, and restarted the game. "You're going down. I am like the king of video games!" With that said, I shut out the rest of the world and focused on the game.

"Emmett what are you doing?" Edward asked standing next to me. The sound of his voice nearly made me break the controller, it was that depressing. I turned to him the game forgotten.

"What's wrong my never-been-kissed brother?" I asked patting my bed for him to sit on. His face was distraught.

"Bella she wants to be…one of us." he cried.

"She wants to be a man!" I exclaimed, my face shocked. "I never thought she would understand your gayness, but she did! Are you okay with this Edward; I mean…Bella won't be a woman anymore if she gets a sex change?"

"Emmett," he growled his eyes narrowing. "She wants to be a vampire." Then it dawned on me.

"I see…that's wonderful!" I grinned. "She'll be a male vampire. Now baseball won't be so awkward with her…or should I say him?"

"SHE WONT BE A MAN!!" Edward yelled. Ohhh, she just wanted to be a vampire. He nodded reading my mind.

"And how does this make you feel?" I asked resting my hand on his shoulder.

"I can't do that to her," he sighed.

"Mhm, and again how does this make you feel?" I said slowly.

"I feel hurt, angry, distraught, happy," his voice shook.

"Mhm, and how does this make you feel?"

"Emmett I just told you how I felt!" he exploded jumping from my bed and storming out of my room. I knew I should have watched more of that Dr. Phil episode to get more pointers on comforting people, oh well. I turned back to the game, picked up the controller and…NOOO!!

"Why must you always win!?" I screamed at Judie. I stared at the television horror struck. Player 2, Winner flashed on the screen repeatedly. "Oh you're good; I'll give your little hooves that." I narrowed my eyes at her. "So what do you want me to do?" I sat on my bed waiting for her to explain everything.

"Why would you want me to do something so…so humiliating," I cried crashing to the floor.

"Emmett you better not have broken something?" Esme said from downstairs.

"Nothings broken up here except my dignity," I mumbled knowing she would still here me.

"Emmett honey, do you want to talk about it?" she asked.

"Not really," I sighed. "But do you know what size dress I wear?"

"…Carlisle do you know a good therapist?" Esme asked worriedly.

"Yes dear, I think I should call him after hearing your conversation with Emmett," he sighed. "First it's that little dance he did downstairs, and now it's this, maybe we should pay him more attention."

"I do not need a therapist!" I yelled. "Can't a man just ask for his dress size without all of this questioning?!"

I frowned and stormed out of my room ignoring the hour of grounding I had left. Rose had gone hunting so her room was empty. Perfect, I'm sure she won't mind me rummaging through her closet. Silently I crept into her room, my eyes glancing over the space until I found what I was searching for; the closet door.

Inside was a utopia of clothing varying from dresses, shirts and jeans, shoes and a…superwoman costume. I actually don't want to know. So many options, but what should I choose? That's when I had a bright idea, I'm pretty sure its dangerous for me to keep having these ideas but they only happen so often. When the time comes you have to use them. Extreme Eeny meeny miny mo time!

I ran to the dress section excited by my brilliant idea. Cracking my knuckles I began the game, my finger running over fabric after fabric until my dress was picked out. It was an elegant navy blue strapless gown. I preferred this one over the others because it sparkled just like vampires did in the sun.

Now for the shoes, I was about to begin the picking process again when I nearly squealed because I found the matching heels underneath them.

"OMG, I feel a girl moment coming on," I jumped grabbing the clothes and ran to my room to put them on.

I nodded to myself in the mirror. "I look even better than Rose," I complimented. These heels even added an extra two inches to my height.

"Who looks better than me Emmy bear?" Rosalie asked walking into the room before stopping in shock. Her face was really hard to read.

"Oh god Emmett," she whimpered. "Please tell me you're not going through another identity crisis?" I shrugged walking away. Can't reveal the plan to her even if she makes sad, helpless, un-Rose like, distress noises. Need to finish next phase of the plan.

I walked into Alice and Jaspers room and headed for the closet. I gasped, shocked. It was like a mall in here. There was even a clerk posted at a desk in the beginning of the mall closet.

"Um, do you know where the wig section is?" I asked unsure of how to go about this. She gave me a bored look smacking her gum annoyingly.

"Second -smack- floor -smack - to ya left -smack - on the -smack - fifth isle," she smacked out.

"Thank you," I nodded heading to the nearest escalator. The fifth isle was filled with wigs of all kinds. Blonde wigs, mahogany wigs, purple wigs, ooh purple wigs!!! Purple was another one of my favorite colors. I grabbed the long wig, and headed downstairs to exit the closet.

"Are you -smack- going to pay -smack- for that?" the clerk asked.

"Uhh, I have to pay?" I asked her dumbly. She me an exasperated sigh.

"Yes -smack- you do." I frowned walking up to the clerk, if she chewed loudly one more time her mouth would permanently be disconnected from her face by my hands. I shoved the wig at her; she scanned it, and then pushed a few buttons in the cash register.

"Thirteen -smack- ninety-five," she held her hand out.

I pulled my wallet out from my back pocket and handed her a twenty. She handed me back the wig in a bag. I stared at it amazed. It had 'Shop again' in Alice's neat hand writing with, I guess was her closet/store logo under the words.

"Where's my change?" I asked.

"At "Alice Emporium" all change is donated to her bank account to help buy goods for her store." That's why she always had money on her to shop even when Carlisle freeze's her credit cards.

"Oh, well I'm not donating to that cause so give me ba-,"

"Emmett," a voice called interrupting my angry yelling. I turned to see Angela, Jessica, and Lauren standing with a shopping cart completely shocked.

"Uh, hey guys," I waved. How did they know about this place? Who even let them in the house?

"What a gorgeous dress," Jessica gushed.

"Thanks, on second thought keep the money," I grumbled to the clerk strutting out of there. I took the wig out of the bag once I was in the hallway and set it on my head, fixing the bright purple strands so they wouldn't get in my face.

Now for the final leg of the plan. I walked downstairs, passing Edward to grab the keys to my Jeep.

"What the hell are you wearing Emmett?!" he screeched. What guy screeches? Maybe he's really a woman in disguise. In that case why was he so distraught about Bella becoming a male vampire?

"SHE WON"T BECOME A MALE VAMPIRE!!!" he yelled his hands ready to pull out his hair. "I THOUGHT YOU GOT THAT?!"

"Okay, don't bite my head off," I raised my hands in defeat.

"Everyday I see you I wonder how you made it so far in life with your low IQ level," he growled. "Look at the ridiculous outfit your wearing, are you a cross dresser?!" I narrowed my eyes at him.

"Well at least I can smile _straight_," I pointed out to him before storming to my Jeep and taking off to Mike's shop.

I pulled up into a parking space in minutes thanks to my speedy driving. I walked confidently up to the door and opened it.

"Hey Emme- eh what are you wearing?" Bella asked her eyes widening in shock, but then consumed with laughter. I didn't have time for this chatter.

"Where's Mike?" I asked ignoring her question.

"In the back, why?" she sobered from her laughing.

"Mikey-pooh," I called out in a girly voice. He rushed out most likely thinking it was Bella. "I missed you cuddly bear." I cooed wrapping him in a bear hug.

His eyes bugged out, and he tried to push me away his heart beating faster. "Em-Emmett." His voice trembled.

"I haven't told you my feelings but now I will." I smiled big and wide. "I think you're the most adorable, cutest Mikey bear I've ever seen and have feelings towards you."

His face turned pale and then a vibrant green. "I even dressed up to help with the coping process your probably going through right now."

He pushed off of me running to the bathroom. I frowned before smiling, and then grimacing. Here come the parental units with family in tow. I sense a meeting coming on.


End file.
